Ups and Downs

I want to write this blog to you today and tell you how wonderful I am doing and how successful I was during vacation.  I want to write five different blogs about my weeks…but I feel severely defeated and frozen.  I actually feel depressed.  

Soda!

I have kicked the soda habit.  It’s been three weeks and two days since my last soda.  And I do have days where I yearn for that bubbly little beverage, but I’ve had a lot of success with sparkling flavored waters and a natural Starbucks energy drink!  

I want to stand up and cheer, but only feel like a huge fat blob unable to muster the energy to do ANTHING!  I’m downright disgusted with myself, and it  makes me a miserable human being.  For those of you who knew me years ago could probably attest to the fact that I used to be a happy person, pretty much always smiling and goofing off.  Now, I feel like I only give like 2% of myself to the things I do and the ones I love.  And that’s just not fair.

The Doctor's Office

I came home from vacation, I mean feeling pretty good.  But I was severely swollen.  Maybe all the salty road foods and also sitting for two days of driving.  My last day in the car was 17 hours!  My shoes didn’t fit, my jeans didn’t fit, I was just a mess.  I felt 9 months pregnant again.  EHH  a chill runs down my back at the thought.  Lol   I had to go to the doctor two days later, still swollen.  The scale at this doctor’s office said I gained 10lbs while being away.  GOD!  I freaking suck.  I suck.  I am going to give up!  All these self-defeating thoughts running through my mind since going to the doctor.  

Then he sits down and begins to encourage me to get Lapband.  I’m like freaking guy, if I can’t control my own mind, and the eating, the only thing I am going to do is bust that freaking band off my stomach!  Like seriously!  Is this what we do?  We just encourage fat people to have surgery to fix things?  DUH!  It’s mind over matter.  We are taught from a young age, it’s 10% of what happened and 90% with how you handle it!  Oh but when you can’t take the 10% go ahead and get cut open and have a foreign object inserted so you don’t overeat.   UGH!!!

I mean seriously, if it is something you have chosen to do, then all the more power to you, I just know it will be something I fail at yet again!  And have you had surgery before?  I have, and it sucked, no way no how will I voluntarily go under the knife ever again!  Well except maybe for a tuck and lift after I lose all this weight!  

The Gym

I went to the gym the other night.  All I could handle was 10 minutes on the elliptical and lifting on the circuits!  I am still sore.  And I know I need to go again, I’m just mentally at a standstill.

Not quite sure how I am going to get the ball rolling again.