Love

Hi friends! 

It’s been a really long time.  I’ve made great changes, small personal victories; I’ve back peddled a lot and fallen down too many times!  I haven’t blogged because I’ve been pissed, embarrassed, ashamed, I feel like I’ve failed myself, repeatedly, and now you my friends, my encouragers and my readers!  I’m sure I’m going to get lots of encouraging messages after I write this and everyone is going to say, “it’s okay Alissa, you can do it.”  

Lots of people do, do this!  They pick themselves up from whatever rut they are in, and turn into success stories!  I see these ads all the time from weight watchers, where the mom is on the swing with the kid, and it’s like she lost 100 pounds!  And I’m like if she can do it, why can’t I?!  Why don’t I have whatever she has in her to do this?!  What switch in my brain and in my body needs to be turned on?!  Did I blow a fuse and need something else to turn it on?!  Seriously, this is how I feel! 

In the past few months I’ve lost three pounds and then gained like 10 over the holidays!  BARF!  Seriously, that is sickening to think that! 

A few things happened over the past few months!  

For one, I am still living in my parent’s home.  Rudy is working in South Jersey, so we are still at stand still with our move with his job!  So, I’ve been depressed.  I spend most days in yoga pants and shirts that are too small for me and over sized sweaters!  I watch tv, or I surf facebook.  I feed the kids, and send them on their way, I sit on the couch, I feed the kids again, and I go to the computer, I feed the kids again and sit on the couch.  In between all these fun activities, I drive Kaylee to school, drive Bella to school, pick Bella up from school, pick Kaylee up from school.  WOO!  

Then the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary happened.  I sobbed for about a week.  On that same day, I spent the day in the hospital with my friend, she asked me to be in the delivery room with her, and I was so happy.  It’s always been a dream of mine to be able to deliver babies or help the mommies!  SO as we were waiting for this miracle, we watched the nightmare unravel on tv.  Talk about a mix of emotions.  Then all I imagined was my beautiful children, being scolded by me for something so stupid, and then me sending them to school and them dying this terrible death.  I know so morbid, but it was then I was like, what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t love my children more.  Just because I hate how I am right now, does not mean that it is okay for me to take out my displeasure in myself on them.  They are children!  With whom God has blessed me with, to love on, to take care of, to raise and cherish above all else!  The Newtown tragedy made me see that I needed to love myself more.  

It was that same weekend, I was drinking a diet pepsi and I had such guilt!  I’m not supposed to be drinking diet pepsi, I broke up with it!  And I can’t do this, and I can’t do that!  And this! And that!  And then I got fed up!  I was given a life to enjoy!  And if I am constantly angry or guilty about something what is the point?!  So loving myself more means, within moderation I will have a freaking diet pepsi once in a while without guilt!  Loving myself more means I will look in the mirror and find something I like about myself!  Loving myself more means, I will love my children more and treat them with more respect!  Loving myself more means that I will not let those who judge me, rule me!  I write this blog for honesty.  So I can be honest with myself and I can be honest with the world.  If we all cover up our feelings how can anyone help their friends, or feel understood themselves.  There are people who read this blog and don’t quite understand what it means to be so utterly broken to the point that they don’t know how to start something that seems so unrealistic!  They don’t know what it is like to have been broken emotionally and now broken physically.  People say get up and do it!  They want you to jump and make HUGE milestones!  Listen, I’m up!  I’m up now, I may not be running, but I’m not laying down anymore.  I’m crawling.  Very very slowly.  

Last Monday, I found myself feeling very down.  I was crying because I was feeling alone and sad.  It’s been hard leaving my home, moving in with my parents, having my husband working so far from home, my stuff in boxes in storage and my yoga pants on and the weight going up.  My aunt called, and she encouraged me!  And then I said, Lord I need to get into your Word, like big time!  I needed to have some fellowship with other believers that would encourage me.  So I set out to start a small group.  Before I could reach out to anyone a friend I’ve had since middle school called me.  And then later a friend from AZ called me.  And then before I knew it, I was on the phone with another friend, and another friend!  The blessings!   

That Wednesday I went to a small in home Bible Study where I was able to have conversations that were encouraging and uplifting and focused on the One who gives strength to the weak!  I was so blessed again.  I found my week getting better! I spent time with my friend and her new baby!  I had energy, I was happier, I moved more, I did things other than lay around!  I met with a friend for lunch on Friday!  The Lord is good!  

I got sick over the weekend, but somehow I remained positive and didn’t fall into old habits!

I went to Weight Watchers today.  For some reason I thought the meetings were only at certain times and you could only weigh in at specific times.  So, I never went.  The Wednesday night meeting was just too hard, after being up through the night with a toddler who refuses to sleep in their own bed, then up early to get kids ready and lunches made and drop offs and then after school we have homework, dinner, baths, bedtime.  It’s hard to do anything at night, let alone feel up to going to weigh-in and be positive!  But a lifelong friend of my mom’s is a WW meeting leader and she told my mom to have me come in the morning!  WOOHOO!  So, I went today, just to weigh-in.  GULP!  I had, had an idea of what the scale was going to read, because I had been to the doctor the day before.  But thankfully the doctor’s office scale is two pounds off!  Yay!  Thank God for the small blessings!  I have been tracking my food so far today!  One meal down and points are in! 

I’m going to do 5 pounds at a time!

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and have told me that this blog inspires them!  And thank you to those of you who have emailed, called, text, and said, “HELLO ALISSA!  WHERE IS THE NEXT BLOG?!”  I really didn’t know it meant that much to you guys!  And it’s inspiring me to keep going!

I should probably go now since Miss Gracie just tip-toed ran into the room with no pants on!  Onto the next adventure of the day…to find those pants!!!!

Loving You and Loving Life!

Alissa